Germans can do many things. Build fine automobiles, bake a great strudel and lose any war they put their mind to. But when it comes to being funny...they should just leave that to the professionals. The Jews.
-by Alan Vetter
A brief rundown of certain ethnic groups ability to be more Jewish in the humor department.
For the record, I’m full blown Kraut, so I have eine permission slip to write this post.One of the many hats I wear is that of a keyboard player in a fairly successful band. Along with our usual gigs at various bars and clubs throughout the Southwest, we also do a lot of high-end weddings, private parties and corporate events. Last year we were hired to do a gig honoring the top sales people of a small company headquartered in Munich or somewhere, and the CEO (let’s call him Hans), decided to make a stateside appearance in order to congratulate his American employees personally. He also decided to tell a joke.
Let me start off by saying that everyone thinks they’re
funny. Everyone except my friend Cullen who admits that he is probably the most
un-funny person alive. He’s right.
Totally not funny. At least he admits it. On the other hand there are certain people,
certain ethnic and certain religious groups that have some sort of divine
ability to tell a good joke. Let me tell you something, the Germans aren’t one
of them.
Hands down the best joke tellers are the Jews. For the other
record, I’m 1/64th Jewish so I also have another permission slip to
use the term “Jews” as opposed to “Jewish People”, or “Members of the Jewish Persuasion”,
or “Chosen Ones” or “Those People”.
A brief rundown of the top 7 racial and ethnic
groups,
and their current standing on the humor scale
Jewish Humor
The Jews are god’s chosen comedians. No group had
produced more funny people than the Jews, and thanks to Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry
Stiller and Jerry Lewis, people who live outside of New York and Florida now think all Jews are named Jerry. The Jews love two
things- complaining and Chinese food. Get them to start complaining about
Chinese food and it suddenly becomes a 30 minute stand-up routine. Then they start
charging admission.
Sub-categories of Judaism:
·
Reformed
·
Conservative
·
Orthodox
·
Ultra-Orthodox
·
Hassidic
·
Comedic
Italian Humor
Get all 600 members of an Italian family together and
it’s like being on the set of “Moonstruck” minus Cher's nose. Growing up in New
York, one of my best friends was Italian. I’d go out to Brooklyn to visit him
every once in awhile and of course be invited to stay for a nine-hour dinner.
I'd come back with ten pounds of leftovers and an aneurysm from laughing so
hard. When it comes to humor, the Italians are one gene-o away from being
Jewish. Italians love two things- being compared to the Jews and eating. Invite
a dozen Italians and Jews over for dinner, and the only way you’d be able to
tell them apart is by the food they bring. The Italians will show up with 12
courses “Just like Mama used to make”, while the Jews show up with kreplach
“Just like Mema used to burn”. (Or Chinese food.) After humor, the most
important part of any Italian get together is good wine, while the most
important part of any Jewish meal is a fire extinguisher.
Irish Humor
Unfortunately for the Irish, they’re usually so hung over
they can’t remember how funny they actually are. Their jokes always have an
Irishman in the set up, so it’s a safe bet that the punch line will involve a
priest. The Irish love two things- booze and family. As soon as you start
spending time with an Irishman, hearing him go on and on about his overbearing
mother, and a father that beat the bejesus out of him and his 10 brothers and sisters
all day and night, you immediately feel like part of the clan. Let's do some shots.
British Humour
Until recently, the Brits were not major players in the
world of stand-up. But they have arrived and have brought their unique style with
them. I would probably laugh more if I could understand what the fuck they were saying. Whenever
I hear John Cleese speak, it sounds as if he’s got a bag of crumpets
shoved into his mouth. The British love two things- bodily functions and men in
drag. Combine a farting transvestite with some brilliant colloquialisms and an
incoherent accent, and you’ve pretty much summed up the British take on comedy.
Black Humor
Black comedians love two things, white women and cursing.
Or “cuss” for people who think that “curse” is a curse word. (Or “cuss” word.) There
are two types of black comics: white/black like Whoopi Goldberg, and black/black
like Chris Rock. I prefer the latter. If I want white, I’ll put in a George
Carlin disc. A few famous black comedians: Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and
Chris Rock. A few famous black comedians busted for possession: Richard Pryor,
Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock.
Asian Humor
Aside from Margaret Cho, there are no Asian comics, and
using the word “comic” for this lady is a huge stretch. Hands down she is the
most un-funny “comedian” I have ever not laughed at. Asians love two things- tentacle
porn and a table full of Jews at their restaurant. If self-deprecation and poor
timing is the sign of a good comedian, Margaret Cho has nailed it. God I hate
that woman.
Latin Humor
Latin comics love two things- sex and knowing that they
are the most upwardly mobile ethnic group since the Jackson 5. Present day Latin
humor is seeing the largest growth of comics in the world of stand-up.
Comedians like George Lopez, Paul Rodriguez and Greg Giraldo are currently making
more money being funny than their Jewish counterparts, and the Jews definitely
feel threatened. Didn’t we used to own
the entertainment industry?
NOTE: The comedian
"Fluffy" does not fall into the 'Latin' category of humor, as the
bulk of his material has nothing to do with his ethnic roots but instead focuses on how enormously fat he is.
After these seven groups comes everybody else. No doubt there
are some unfunny Jews out there, and many of you might know a funny Lithuanian
or two, but I’m not talking specifics. I’m here to stereotype and generalize
about certain groups of people and their ability to tell a joke, and coming in
dead last at the end of the (punch) line…are the Germans.
Disclaimer
I’m not saying Germans don’t have a good sense of humor.
There’s humor there. And there’s a sense of it somewhere. The problem is that
they can’t relay humor. They get funny, they just can’t be funny. This comes from the fact that
Germans are a very methodical and cerebral lot with very little time for irony.
It cuts into their whole “World domination” timeline.
Stand up and fall
So there we were, about two minutes away from taking the
stage at this corporate function. Everyone was in good spirits. They had eaten,
were slightly liquored up, and were ready to let loose. This is when Hans
decided to come up to the mic to say a few words. After a few heavily accented niceties
he says, “Which reminds me of a joke.” You know that moment when you can actually
smell disaster? This was one of them.
I’ve seen it before. Someone who has no business being near a microphone gets
so excited by the sight of one, that he decides it’s time to fulfill his “stand-up”
fantasy right then and there, once and for all. There is a name for this. It’s
called "failure". But he’s already up there...out of the gate and
running. My band mate and I hunker down off stage. And wait. “This is a good
one”, Hans says, “I assure you.”
What followed was what should have been a 30 second quip.
Tops. It comes in just under 3 minutes. In comedy time when you're dying on
stage- that’s about seven and a half hours. Whole careers have been ruined in less time.
Michael Richards. By the time the punch line comes around, no one remembers the
beginning of the joke or why they’re all in this room in the first place.
The main problem is that Germans are unable to leave out
any detail. This CEO was such a stickler for specifics, that the
whole point of the joke was lost somewhere between the two minute set
up describing every detail of Fritz’s Lederhosen,
and the punch line... ‘Don’t look at me, that idiot makes his own lunch', which was finally delivered the next
day). Send me an email if you're not familiar with this joke.
He was dying. And he was taking us down with him. No
mercy. No survivors. This was not just a train wreck, but a slow motion train wreck. Three minutes
of agonizing, ear splitting verbal carnage. When the smoke cleared, the souls
of two hundred once exuberant and enthusiastic employees lay strewn about the
ballroom in a heap of excruciating awkwardness. It was if everyone had just
woken up in another dimension with a severe case of teleportation jet lag. But Hans
was the CEO and applause was mandatory. The forced laughter and obligatory
ovation was almost as painful as the joke itself, but we could finally get on
with our lives and start the show.
Bringing an audience back from the brink of death is one
of the most difficult things to do in this business. Immediately following the
comedic catastrophe, people started frantically searching for air. They
scrambled out of the room grabbing their drinks, trying to find some place
where they could shake it off. At that moment some of them actually took up heroin,
and we found ourselves playing to a crowd of roughly 20 people. Thanks for
warming up the crowd for us Hans.
It’s not what you
say but how you say it.
This is the comedian’s first commandment. The bottom line
is that the German accent is not funny. It is not funny because there are no
vowels. It is physically impossible for a German to hang on a word for emphasis
without choking on a consonant. I remember my mom and my uncle having a
discussion during Thanksgiving dinner one year regarding this issue. Being born,
bred and raised in Germany, my uncle absolutely loves speaking German. When my
grandmother was still alive, they would converse in das father tongue as much
as possible. In his opinion, it is an eloquent, exquisite and beautiful
language. My mother on the other hand thought otherwise, and expressed her
disdain by telling Gunter that she felt it to be terribly harsh, painfully uncomfortable,
and nearly impossible to speak without dislocating your jaw. I love my uncle
but I’m siding with mom on this one.
In the end, Hans walked away unscathed. He did what he
set out to do, regardless of the consequences. I give him credit for that. Some
people are oblivious to what’s going on around them and could care less about
what people think. It helps if you’re a CEO. But if you’re the type who prefers
not being heckled along your journey through life, know your strengths and know
your weaknesses. Stick to what you do best. There is no question that a BMW is
a fine automobile, and apple strudel is a wonderful dessert. But “shmetterling”
should not be a word for “butterfly”,
and German CEO’s should never be given the opportunity to “wing it” on stage.
I have great respect for my German heritage. I just wish that
part of me spoke French.
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